On demeaning teenagers

I have been passionate about treatment of young people in society and church since I was in junior high school. I promise I won’t write every post about young people, but it seems to be where I’ve been wanting to go lately.

This letter was published in “Dear Abby” on June 30, 2008.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl. I don’t get angry often, but when I do my parents disregard it by calling me a “hormonal teenager.” They say things like, “She’s such a CHARMING 14-year-old” and “There are hormones raging.” I find their comments hurtful and degrading.

Please don’t misunderstand. My parents are usually nice, but when something bothers me they automatically resort to the above comments. I personally believe I am pretty good at handling and expressing my emotions calmly. It just seems that my parents don’t consider the credibility of my emotions and blame them on my being a teen. Is it wrong for them to say these things? What should I do when they say them? — DISREGARDED IN OREGON

DEAR DISREGARDED: No one of any age wants to feel patronized, and that goes for people from 13 to 93. (And, interestingly, it happens to people from both ends of the spectrum.) If your parents want to exchange comments like the ones you mentioned, it would be better if they did so in private. However, if they are saying things like, “She’s such a charming 14-year-old,” it may be a clue to the fact that you’re acting like anything BUT — and perhaps you should find a more mature and controlled way of expressing your emotions.

Sarcastic and humorous comments about teenagers are remarkably common. In this case they were directed towards an individual, probably in frustration, although it is hard to tell. Other times they function as a means of forming bonds between two or more parents. One person makes a joking comment about teenagers, those hearing laugh, and the two are brought closer together by the shared understanding. I have observed it in conversation, job interviews, and even from the pulpit.

I’m going to speak prophetically and say that such behavior in most situations is sinful. Whatever is gained by making those kind of comments is more than offset by the demeaning effect of those comments on young people, whether or not young people are in fact present. When young people are present it is especially demeaning. Individuals find it “hurtful and degrading” as Disregarded put it in the letter. Comments like that dehumanize the subject of the comment. A person ceases to be “Sally” they are a “CHARMING (read “whiny” or alternatively “bitch of a”) 14-year-old.” They aren’t experiencing legitimized feelings like anger or sadness, but rather they are “hormonal”. If indeed the response of the teenager is inappropriate and influenced by changes in the body, the teenager may well know it and the sarcastic comments about hormones only increase the shame and the feeling of powerlessness.

Generic comments about teenagers are every bit as demeaning. In the case of jokes, community is built among the old at the expense of the young. They only increase the gulf between young and old that we have constructed in society. This is true whether or not teenagers are present. The understanding that these kind of comments build is artificial. Rather than sharing frustrations with being a parent of teenagers (which I acknowledge are often many) with other parents to build real understanding and gain real insight and comfort, people make throw-away comments that demean all teenagers, their children especially.

The presence of these kind of comments in the Church of Jesus Christ is unconscionable. They do not glorify God. They tear apart the body of Christ of which all people young and old are essential. When made from the pulpit, I can say from experience, they alienate the young from worship.

The point of this is not to deny that parenting teenagers isn’t frustrating. I obviously have no direct experience in that regard, but I have every confidence that is the case. The point is to condemn speech that is unproductive and harmful, that demeans the humanity of an individual and group of people for some temporary relief of frustration or a laugh.

So to answer the two questions that “Disregarded” asked and Abby rather condescendingly neglected to answer:

DEAR DISREGARDED: Yes, it is absolutely wrong of them to say those things. They fail to address you anger or what makes you angry while demeaning you and your feelings in the process. Further, those kind of sarcastic comments are not productive, whether you hear them or not. Next time this happens you should wait until both you and your parents cool down and talk to them honestly about how those kind of words make you feel. Whether you are 8, 14, 21, 35, 50, or older, an open, honest, and respectful relationship with your parents is a great thing to cultivate.

Peace,

Luke